This is going to be a personal post...probably too personal...but due. So if you're here for cookies and my usual cheer I'm actually (and I mean sincerely) sorry. I would love nothing more than to have beautiful cookies to show you. And if other people's personal stuff makes you all "eeeehh" then ya might want to skip today.....
Anyway....on a related note.....
I'm sorry about the lack of posts.
I actually didn't intend to stop posting at all. I had some seriously (if I'm allowed to flatter myself) GORGEOUS designs ready for Christmas and some I never finished for fall. Still have them sketched sitting on my workbench....looking at me sadly....another year gone by and they have yet to be brought to life.
I had all these things I wanted to do on the blog for the season. Pretty much thought I had a handle on whatever was making me feel ill. Surely we were nearing the end of the tunnel and I would start feeling better soon.
I've been sick for 7 months now. And not in an obvious sick way either......and no ....my mental capacities are not in danger. I'm perfectly sound (or as sound as I've always been).
Sure there's the obvious reasons for not posting as often as I should. I have a baby who is 9 months old now. Starting to walk. I can't keep up with him. Just stop trying to grow up so fast little guy. He's like me. Which means I'm in for it. I have a 5 year old daughter who's sweet as candy even if she is a chatter box. She's discovered the temporary "virtues" of lying and started to test to see what she can get away with lately. But this is all per usual. It's part of the mom gig and all moms go through this. My children are still the light in my world.
But 7 months. 7 months of terrifying chest pain. Pain that's been intensifying and starting to spread throughout my entire body. First just the upper body. This week it's spread to my hips. And my head.....I can't even remember when that started. My thinking is fogged, my balance is compromised. The pain that runs through my arms and hands is almost unbearable. Narcotics merely dull it. And I can't stay on them forever. I wouldn't want to stay on the forever...or any longer than I have to to make it through one night.
I can't take any strong pain killers during the day. I have kids...so I rely on Advil...and God...praying I can hold back tears in front of my daughter till Dad gets home and I can take something stronger.
I personally don't think pain killers and I have ever really been chummy anyway. I don't like my clarity being compromised and they make me nauseous. So that's that.....but until I can find a cause....SOMETHING to treat, it's all I have. Treat the pain and believe that you're not going to die today.
- Otolaryngologists (I had some vertigo when this all started....thought it may be inner ear)
I'm probably forgetting a doctor in there somewhere.
Due to see:
- Motility Specialist (apparently I have dysphagia but, alas, it is not the cause of the pain...just a lovely little finding.....though I'm wondering if it's correct)
- Pain management specialist
- muscle and joint specialist of some sort
Sorry I'm not more clear on those....at this point I feel like people kind of talk through me....like they are talking to me but I've lost the ability to even figure out what rabbit hole I'm stuck in anymore.
- TWO sets of MRI's done on my neck, spine, head and chest
- Manometry (never want to do that again...NEVER ugh)
- Chest and Neck X-Rays
- Blood work
- Full Metabolic Panel
Also probably forgetting something...hey, I'll let you know when the medical bills show up. It's like receipts or memos really....bills.
And after all this.....nothing.
I still hurt every day. The kind of pain that changes your personality because you would love nothing more than to sleep through every painful moment but you can't because you have a life that you desperately want to live...that you don't want to waste like this. Kids and a husband who need you. And that makes you sad, and angry and anxious.
So comes the insomnia (which I think is ironic)
And I'm so tired.
To still be chasing rabbits and feeling like I'm running out of time....or that there is no correct rabbit hole....I'll just be stuck underground...suffocated forever.
So I've been trying to find other things to do. Because I need a creative outlet and cookies and baking are my thing ya know....and I'm going nuts. So I've taken up a long forgotten hobby of mine: knitting. I really love it and I love yarns and fibers (so I guess I do have a connection to my mom's passion in a way). The cookies just take so much time and energy...I needed a hobby where the supplies were ready to go. No days of mixing and rolling and baking and coloring and wrapping and.............. it's just to much sometimes.
Sometimes I have a pretty good day and I WANT to do things. But then I wonder how long that good day is going to stay good...is it worth starting a cookie project? Will I finish it?
I'm still going to make cookies. I'm still going to blog. I can't just give up and lay here and disappear. Let life pass me by. I have to keep my mind active....it's just how I am. Even now, no matter how sick I feel or how tired I feel....I'm my own worst enemy because I have to be doing something. But usually with 2 kids and a house to clean that's not a serious problem.
Really, I will find the time to make cookies....soon I hope, because I miss it. And I will just keep blogging. Probably work on my beauty blog...Probably start a knitting blog....and I'll link them up here at some point...so when I do have a good moment throughout the day, I'll at least have SOMETHING to work on. And I know you're here for cookies so I don't expect anyone who follows the bake shop to follow the other ones...not everyone is interested in baking AND makeup AND knitting....I am...so I'll blog about it. This will still be my main hub tho. If I write about my life, I'll try to refrain from doing it till Fridays. Friday I take my blog back and it's my own guilty pleasure once more...and I'll keep you updated on my life if your interested in hearing about it.....otherwise just skip a Friday post.
So that's what's up with me. It isn't personal if I haven't returned a tweet or a like or something...I honestly just kind of forget sometimes....it's all a blur. Sorry.
But if you still follow me, and if you still read....and if you're even taking to time to read this now, I want to say thank you for staying with me.
I'll be right back.