It's Wednesday!!!

OK!  I know it's been a while but I just wanted to give you all an update.

I can't even begin to tell you how many doctors I've seen in the last year but we think we may have it figured out.

All said and done the general consensus is that I'm suffering from a combination of Fibromayalsia (which can be brought on by extreme stress and emotional trauma....check) and some sort of mild post traumatic stress syndrome.  Neither one are definite that it't the cause of my chest pain but both are treated the same way.

So I started a regimen of healthy eating, increased fluid consumption, Vitamin D supplements, an antidepressant and an exercise routine...specifically cardiovascular focused.

I've been Zumba-ing y'all.  And its fun.

And at this moment in time I'm feeling ok.  A lot less pain for sure.  I'm getting more sleep and taking care of myself.  Christmas was probably the peak of the pain and stress and just plain fatigue.  I was going on meds that made me nuts, being taken off meds that were making me nuts...in a lot of pain.  And no wonder...the most stressful time of year.   All the pressure to remember everything, to get it all done, to be as perfect as possible, and then the first Christmas without my Dad.

My mom and sister didn't even really celebrate.  Just a lot of pain.  A lot of sadness.  The wake of an unexpected loss.

Along with this my mom sold the house that my family has shared for the last 17 years.  Not by choice.  By necessity.  And she is now in a new home.  A new life.  At the moment a little less joyful.  And that adds to the sadness because I can't fix that for her.  I can't bring him back.

And I tried.  I was the one who called 911.  I was the one who gave him chest compression...begging for him to come back. Comforted my family when he didn't.  Planned the funeral because no one else could.....

And basically.....I have been grieving so slowly they believe that my body may be manifesting it's own physical pain to make up for the suppressed emotional pain.  You see, I keep busy.  I have 2 kids and it's easy to do.  And the theory is that maybe I've been keeping too busy.

So I continue to learn how to grieve for the loss of a parent, which I wasn't ready to do at 30.  Still not knowing how to do at 31.

The exercise keeps the pain away ironically.  Or at least lessens it...and truth be told, it's nice to go shake my booty for an hour and feel exhilarated...because my heart is ok.

So, I'm getting back to work.  I need my creative outlet.  I need to work.  Not to keep busy, but because I enjoy work.  It's a little part of me this blog.  It's like a diary and a child and me all rolled into one.  Anyone who blogs can probably attest to that.  SO.....



Clean workspace, cup of tea, pile of cookies.....We're back in business folks!!

So expect some new content coming your way next week!  I'm going to be spending the week playing catch up and integrating work into my new lifestyle routine.  :)

And thank you to everyone for their prayers and stories and concerns after my Sunday post.  It means a lot to me that so many people care about little me.  Love.

Giving Thanks: Doves

As some of you know, 3 months ago my father passed away suddenly of a heart attack on his 60th birthday.  I had just had a baby 5 weeks before.  3 weeks before that my husband had to leave for 3 months for work.  It was a lot of stress and big life changes in short succession...all within a month about.  After all of this I held it together pretty well.  But as it all sunk in, it began to take it's toll and I started to become ill.  I'm ok now, thanks to family and friends who have been there for me.

It's been a very difficult 3 months.

I wanted to take the opportunity to publicly thank all of the people who have lent me so much support through these last few months.  People have sent me flowers, taken my kids for play dates, made me dinner, sent me gifts....it's really been amazing.  What touched me the most were the things sent to me from people I don't even know that well.  I think I received cards, gifts, sweets, books, baby things just about every day for a month.  In fact it's been so overwhelming that I haven't even had the time to keep up with it and thank everyone properly.  I WILL get to that.  I mean it.

I just want you to know that each card, book, gift, box of hand made cookies.....each one made me cry.  Not in the bad way, but in the way that I was so grateful.  I felt so loved it couldn't be helped.  I just wept every day for a month...and happy tears for a change.  To think that you would go through the trouble to do something so nice for someone you may not have ever met in person.... it meant something to me.

I also want to thank everyone who left comments of comfort on the blog.  It was good to hear so much positive from so many.  There are some of you who have gone through similar experiences and for a while there, when it was really important, I didn't feel so alone.

I'm going to post a tutorial or two pretty soon.  I'm edging my way back into work and daily life.  Sorry for the hermiting.  I hermit.  But I'll be back.

Thank you for your patience.  And thank you for reading.

My Father

So I am going to tell you right now, I have been avoiding writing this post because it still hurts so much, but I need to.

The month of April was pretty rough for me.  New baby, husband out of town, no sleep, 4 year old...the usual.  So I thought it would be really nice to go home and see my family in Texas the first weekend in May.  See, it was my dad's 60th birthday that Saturday.  My sister and her new fiance were coming into town especially for the occasion...the whole family was going to be there.  So I put myself and the kids on a plane and headed to Texas.  

The weekend started like any other at home.  Hugs to the parents, Dad cooked dinner for us (something he loved to do.  Dad used to be in the restaurant biz.  My passion for food stems from him), watched some TV, cooed over the baby...just spent time with family.  That's how we do it.  We just enjoy each other's company.  

That Saturday was the big day, my dad's birthday.  I didn't see my dad that morning....I was sleeping in...long night of feeding baby.  He was going to work that morning, "just for a little bit", so he told my sister when they passed in the hallway.  We went about our morning, getting ready for the birthday party later that night.  I was all excited to make him my very special chocolate cake.

We were ready to go and started heading to the car.  Now my parents have a driveway that accommodated one car wide so all our cars are out front are lined up like ducks.  If one person wants to go somewhere we have a circus act of car moving. Takes coordination.  Dad's car was still there.  He was supposed to be at work half an hour ago.

And that's about when my life changed forever.  When all our lives did.  

Dad suffered a major cardiac arrest.  When we found him upstairs, he had already gone.

JR Barnes

1953-2013