It's Wednesday!!!

OK!  I know it's been a while but I just wanted to give you all an update.

I can't even begin to tell you how many doctors I've seen in the last year but we think we may have it figured out.

All said and done the general consensus is that I'm suffering from a combination of Fibromayalsia (which can be brought on by extreme stress and emotional trauma....check) and some sort of mild post traumatic stress syndrome.  Neither one are definite that it't the cause of my chest pain but both are treated the same way.

So I started a regimen of healthy eating, increased fluid consumption, Vitamin D supplements, an antidepressant and an exercise routine...specifically cardiovascular focused.

I've been Zumba-ing y'all.  And its fun.

And at this moment in time I'm feeling ok.  A lot less pain for sure.  I'm getting more sleep and taking care of myself.  Christmas was probably the peak of the pain and stress and just plain fatigue.  I was going on meds that made me nuts, being taken off meds that were making me nuts...in a lot of pain.  And no wonder...the most stressful time of year.   All the pressure to remember everything, to get it all done, to be as perfect as possible, and then the first Christmas without my Dad.

My mom and sister didn't even really celebrate.  Just a lot of pain.  A lot of sadness.  The wake of an unexpected loss.

Along with this my mom sold the house that my family has shared for the last 17 years.  Not by choice.  By necessity.  And she is now in a new home.  A new life.  At the moment a little less joyful.  And that adds to the sadness because I can't fix that for her.  I can't bring him back.

And I tried.  I was the one who called 911.  I was the one who gave him chest compression...begging for him to come back. Comforted my family when he didn't.  Planned the funeral because no one else could.....

And basically.....I have been grieving so slowly they believe that my body may be manifesting it's own physical pain to make up for the suppressed emotional pain.  You see, I keep busy.  I have 2 kids and it's easy to do.  And the theory is that maybe I've been keeping too busy.

So I continue to learn how to grieve for the loss of a parent, which I wasn't ready to do at 30.  Still not knowing how to do at 31.

The exercise keeps the pain away ironically.  Or at least lessens it...and truth be told, it's nice to go shake my booty for an hour and feel exhilarated...because my heart is ok.

So, I'm getting back to work.  I need my creative outlet.  I need to work.  Not to keep busy, but because I enjoy work.  It's a little part of me this blog.  It's like a diary and a child and me all rolled into one.  Anyone who blogs can probably attest to that.  SO.....



Clean workspace, cup of tea, pile of cookies.....We're back in business folks!!

So expect some new content coming your way next week!  I'm going to be spending the week playing catch up and integrating work into my new lifestyle routine.  :)

And thank you to everyone for their prayers and stories and concerns after my Sunday post.  It means a lot to me that so many people care about little me.  Love.

Quick Chocolate Covered Cherrry "Cake Balls"

Yes, yes.....I know the last time I posted it was "cake pops" but I couldn't resist...

I get out to Rogers, Arkansas about twice a month.  Sometimes I wanna shop, or return an item I ordered in the mail to a store or go to the grocery store......I'll tell you it's mostly to go to yarn stores.....and the grocery store.

All I can say is that the grocery stores around the immediate are are below my usual expectations having grown up in a large city at lest less than a mile away from a Central Market or some other equivilant.  Yes, I'm a grocery snob.  Not afraid to admit it.  To me the grocery store...like a really awesome grocery store...just the same as Disney Land to a kid.

Sometimes I also just wanna head out of Dodge and Rogers is only 45 minutes away....

Anyway, last time I was there I stopped into Fresh Market (like ya do) and went by there bakery section.   Now I love the bakery section there.  Not only are the desserts in the case gorgeous....they always have some sort of interesting seasonal doughnut holes for sale.

This month: Cherry.

It's Sunday

Yes....Sunday...and another week is due to begin sooner than I want it to.

This is going to be a personal post...probably too personal...but due.  So if you're here for cookies and my usual cheer I'm actually (and I mean sincerely) sorry.  I would love nothing more than to have beautiful cookies to show you.  And if other people's personal stuff makes you all "eeeehh" then ya might want to skip today.....

Anyway....on a related note.....

I'm sorry about the lack of posts.

I actually didn't intend to stop posting at all.  I had some seriously (if I'm allowed to flatter myself) GORGEOUS designs ready for Christmas and some I never finished for fall.  Still have them sketched sitting on my workbench....looking at me sadly....another year gone by and they have yet to be brought to life.

I had all these things I wanted to do on the blog for the season.  Pretty much thought I had a handle on whatever was making me feel ill.  Surely we were nearing the end of the tunnel and I would start feeling better soon.

I've been sick for 7 months now.  And not in an obvious sick way either......and no ....my mental capacities are not in danger.  I'm perfectly sound (or as sound as I've always been).

Sure there's the obvious reasons for not posting as often as I should.  I have a baby who is 9 months old now.  Starting to walk.  I can't keep up with him.  Just stop trying to grow up so fast little guy.  He's like me.  Which means I'm in for it.  I have a 5 year old daughter who's sweet as candy even if she is a chatter box.  She's discovered the temporary "virtues" of lying and started to test to see what she can get away with lately.  But this is all per usual.  It's part of the mom gig and all moms go through this.  My children are still the light in my world.

But 7 months.  7 months of terrifying chest pain.  Pain that's been intensifying and starting to spread throughout my entire body.  First just the upper body.  This week it's spread to my hips.  And my head.....I can't even remember when that started.  My thinking is fogged, my balance is compromised.  The pain that runs through my arms and hands is almost unbearable.  Narcotics merely dull it.  And I can't stay on them forever.  I wouldn't want to stay on the forever...or any longer than I have to to make it through one night.

I can't take any strong pain killers during the day.  I have kids...so I rely on Advil...and God...praying I can hold back tears in front of my daughter till Dad gets home and I can take something stronger.

I personally don't think pain killers and I have ever really been chummy anyway.  I don't like my clarity being compromised and they make me nauseous.  So that's that.....but until I can find a cause....SOMETHING to treat, it's all I have.  Treat the pain and believe that you're not going to die today.

I've seen:

• GP
• Cardiologist
• Psychologist
• Endocrinologist
• Otolaryngologists (I had some vertigo when this all started....thought it may be inner ear)
• Gastroenterologist
• Neurologist

I'm probably forgetting a doctor in there somewhere.

Due to see:

• Motility Specialist (apparently I have dysphagia but, alas, it is not the cause of the pain...just a lovely little finding.....though I'm wondering if it's correct)
• Pain management specialist
• muscle and joint specialist of some sort

Sorry I'm not more clear on those....at this point I feel like people kind of talk through me....like they are talking to me but I've lost the ability to even figure out what rabbit hole I'm stuck in anymore.

Tests:

• TWO sets of MRI's done on my neck, spine, head and chest
• Esophagoscopy
• Manometry (never want to do that again...NEVER  ugh)
• Chest and Neck X-Rays
• Blood work
• Full Metabolic Panel

Also probably forgetting something...hey, I'll let you know when the medical bills show up.  It's like receipts or memos really....bills.



And after all this.....nothing.

I still hurt every day.  The kind of pain that changes your personality because you would love nothing more than to sleep through every painful moment but you can't because you have a life that you desperately want to live...that you don't want to waste like this.  Kids and a husband who need you.  And that makes you sad, and angry and anxious.

So comes the insomnia (which I think is ironic)

And I'm so tired.


To still be chasing rabbits and feeling like I'm running out of time....or that there is no correct rabbit hole....I'll just be stuck underground...suffocated forever.


So I've been trying to find other things to do.  Because I need a creative outlet and cookies and baking are my thing ya know....and I'm going nuts.  So I've taken up a long forgotten hobby of mine: knitting.  I really love it and I love yarns and fibers (so I guess I do have a connection to my mom's passion in a way).  The cookies just take so much time and energy...I needed a hobby where the supplies were ready to go.  No days of mixing and rolling and baking and coloring and wrapping and.............. it's just to much sometimes.

Sometimes I have a pretty good day and I WANT to do things.  But then I wonder how long that good day is going to stay good...is it worth starting a cookie project?  Will I finish it?

I'm still going to make cookies.  I'm still going to blog.  I can't just give up and lay here and disappear.  Let life pass me by.  I have to keep my mind active....it's just how I am.  Even now, no matter how sick I feel or how tired I feel....I'm my own worst enemy because I have to be doing something.  But usually with 2 kids and a house to clean that's not a serious problem.

Really, I will find the time to make cookies....soon I hope, because I miss it.  And I will just keep blogging.  Probably work on my beauty blog...Probably start a knitting blog....and I'll link them up here at some point...so when I do have a good moment throughout the day, I'll at least have SOMETHING to work on.  And I know you're here for cookies so I don't expect anyone who follows the bake shop to follow the other ones...not everyone is interested in baking AND makeup AND knitting....I am...so I'll blog about it.  This will still be my main hub tho.  If I write about my life, I'll try to refrain from doing it till Fridays.  Friday I take my blog back and it's my own guilty pleasure once more...and I'll keep you updated on my life if your interested in hearing about it.....otherwise just skip a Friday post.

So that's what's up with me.  It isn't personal if I haven't returned a tweet or a like or something...I honestly just kind of forget sometimes....it's all a blur.  Sorry.

But if you still follow me, and if you still read....and if you're even taking to time to read this now, I want to say thank you for staying with me.

I'll be right back.

Cute Pumpkin "Cake" Balls

So Cake Balls......*sigh*....I'm going to be straight with you

I hate 'em.

Don't get me wrong...I like the concept OK, and I think they're cute and all....But if I want to eat cake, I would rather eat a slice of cake...instead of whatever on a stick.  That and....I can't really make 'em.  That might be my true reasoning behind my loathing of cake pops....and cake balls.  It's messy and time consuming and just not for me.

So why am I doing a post with cake balls and cake pops???

Because they're NOT CAKE POPS!  It's faux cake balls.  It's CHEATING in the cake on a stick territory. 

Allow me to explain....and show you how to do them 3 ways for Halloween :)

Candy House!

Aaaaaaand that's it!! :)

So here it is...the last day to enter the giveaway.

So ENTER!

Ya know how I've been a little vague on what exactly I would be buying at Candy House to give away??

Well that's because I didn't quite know.  Ya see, I never know what I'm going to get until I step in the shop (and it's the cutest little shop too....I'll Instagram a pic next time I'm there.)

Well I went this morning.  They open at 9:30....I was there at 9:33......would have been there sooner if I hadn't been jonesin' for a Chai Tea Latte.....

Anyway.....here's what I bought for the winner of the giveaway!!

That's one gift basket my friends....and one of each flavor of candy apple they make!

Let's see.....what's in that gift bag??

MORE Giveaway Stuff!!

Ok so you know how like 9 days ago I said I would have some stuff of my own to contribute to the giveaway??

Well, besides what I buy at Candy house.....which is still a surprise) here is my humble contribution:

• A Beater Blade (which I love....and this one is un-breakable!!)
• 5 cookbooks: Macarons, Hello Cupcake, Milk and Cookies, Chocolate Passion, and Sugarlicious.
• a liquid measuring cup
• dry measuring cups
• and a little Christmas package with liners and cute little toppers.

So not only do you get goodies from Bake It Pretty, Copper Gifts, Ecrandal Cutters, Karen's Cookies, The Cookie Countess, BRP Boxes and Candy House, but some other goodies as well..  I'll be mailing a big ol box!!

All the books are great.  I personally own a copy of each of these.  Macarons has some really great macaron recipes and iseas, Hello Cupcake is always fun, Milk and Cookies comes from the same named bakery in New York, Cocolate Passion has SO much delicious chocolate lovliness!!, and Sugarlicious is a COOKIE BOOK from our beloved Meaghan Mountford over at The Decorated Cookie.  

There's only 2 more days to enter the giveaway!!  So go on over to the GIVEAWAY page and enter NOW!!  And let your friends know too!  Let's make it a party!!  Woooo 10,000 Facebook Fans!!

Down Knockturn Alley

So I was thinking of doing some kinda Harry Potter set for Halloween....

But then I realized that I have kids and a house to clean and all that so I had to downsize that project...

So I started to think about the creepiness of Harry Potter....you know, the dark magic... and that scene where he says "diagonally" in the flue instead of Diagon Alley.....and he ends up in Knockturn Alley...and that creepy shop.....

Sorry, my nerd is showing.  I'll cover that up.....

Anyways I was imagining what the shop signs down Knockturn Alley would look like....and I ended up with this: